Friday, May 21, 2010

The Pitfalls of Back Hair

I just couldn’t let this opportunity to explore the glories of advertising pass me by. I previously mentioned a coupon app that allows its user to sign up for scads of free stuff. One of the apps recent treasures, was the offering of a free one year subscription to Maxim magazine (yes, hubby has this app on his phone too). O…the joys. Yesterday our household was finally graced with the presence of this long awaited arrival. At first this fine example of modern literary ambition languished (facedown of course) on the computer desk. Now, flash-forward a few hours. I am sitting upstairs solving riddles with the boy, when Aaron approaches, magazine lightly clenched in his hand, says :”Jennifer, come here a minute”, and proceeds towards our bedroom. Now, I am thinking to myself, I sure hope this man isn’t going to show me some pictures of scantily clad models in the hopes that I will take it as a subtle hint to do more ab work and get an artfully executed wax job (if he was leaning towards the latter, I would assume he had forgotten the tagic NADS debacle of 2005, a story born for different sort of website of course). If so, he had best start hiding his underwear (I have discovered that if you remove every other stitch in a garment, its wearer will, initially, be none the wiser of its structural damage. Then about half-way into a busy day things start to unravel for no apparent reason J) So, it was with some trepidation that I entered the bedroom. Aaron hands me the magazine, pointing out an advertisement for the “RAZORBA”. 
I will repost my photo of the ad here, but my favorite line is “Hot girls hate back hair”. Now, while I am sure no truer thing has ever been written, I would like to over-think this product and its potential consumer for a bit (this is a habit of mine to be sure, entertaining at times, but a bit of a drag if one has had the misfortune of living with me). Firstly, the product. Judging by the ad, it appears to be a normal shaving razor affixed to a three foot handle with a presumably ergonomic grip. Ok, I can see the utility of this. Old ladies with flexibility issues could stop wearing slacks, regular chicks could shave without bending over etc…For the man with the “hot girl” kryptonite, i.e., the hairy back, a full length mirror and 30 minutes of free time could easily have you back on the dating circuit. Now, let us pause for a moment and imagine such a man and his situation. We will call him Joe, for lack of creativity. Now, Joe is a moderately handsome man, piercing eyes, full head of thick wavy hair, off-white smile, but for all of these exceptional features, Joe is alone. Every time he has tried to pick up a hot girl at the local swimming hole, he has been turned down with disgusted sneers and suggestions that he work for the Geico ad department. What is Joe’s problem, a reader might ask? Well, owing to a Mediterranean heritage, he has been cursed with a pelt of unsightly back hair. Ick. Joe, ever interested in expanding his mind, drops by the local book store and picks up a copy of his favorite magazine, Maxim (what, you thought Joe was gonna pick up a book?! Posh, he’s a happening guy, not some pathetic autodidact). Flipping through its glossy pages, he comes across an ad for the Razorba. Finally!!!! His dating woes have come to an end. He immediately gets online, and after updating his facebook status to inform his friends that he finally got a prescription for that infection (yep, some people, and I’m not naming any names, reveal a bit too much personal info), he orders his very own Razorba. Several weeks later, Joe is back in action, razor burns anointed and masked by spray-on tan. He is able to capture the attentions of a suitably “hot girl” whose interests include: fashion, self-loathing, and detox cleansing (which the internet has informed me involves an enema bag, and a long tube……I will pass). He is able to lure her back to his home with the promise of Red bull and vodka. Upon her arrival, she excuses herself to the restroom, in order to be forcefully rid of the nachos (cheese on the side please) that she consumed at the pool. Curious by nature, our hot lassie begins exploring….(often in the hopes of scoring prescription sleeping pills). Hmmm…what is this thing hanging from the shower head? Could that be a razor with an overly long handle? Why, yes, that is exactly what it is! You see, Joe didn’t think ahead. With careful planning, his horrible condition could have remained a secret. But seriously guys and gals, where DO you stash a four-foot shaving razor? It sure as heck wouldn’t fit in any of my medicine cabinets (not that it would have helped Joe if it had, cause Tiffany is a gal on a mission). Do you put it in your clothes closet, under the bed, between the sofa cushions? What do you think? Where would you hide YOUR Razorba?


  1. Welcome Back!
    There's a guy at work (about 65-ish) with 2-inch-thick shoulder hair -- no lie -- and when he wears a tank top, it looks like a highway through a jungle. ew.

  2. Will, if I had back hair like that, I would shave mazes in it to amuse the children. They could go at me with dry erase markers...tons of family fun.