Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Pajama Sexism

This morning I was picking stuff up off the floor, and as is my custom, I attempted to shove some of the loose toy parts into my pockets. Well, as you all must know by now, I have no job so I am free to roam in my pajama pants until the mood strikes me to get dressed (usually before noon). So, I stand there, my hand twisting a around like a puppy rooting for a teat, until I remember that ladies' pajamas pants do not come with pockets. Why is this? I have seen what men have (for pajamas, haha), and they freaking have pockets! Do women not need pockets? This pocket sexism exists for ladies' slacks as well. There are no pockets. Suit jackets for women often do have pockets, but they are tiny affairs which I always end up over-stuffing, so that it looks like I have a thyroid disorder. I know exactly on what assumption that this pocket exclusion is based on. Garment makers depend upon the notion that women carry handbags. I carry no such bag. I have a bag, but I don't want to feel like some Mt. Everest sherpa with some bag tethered to my neck and shoulder all day. God forbid I set the thing down, because as sure as I am sitting here, I will forget the bag and some homeless woman will be applying for a car loan with my social security number (good luck to her, by the way my credit sucks!). What is really frustrating for me is when I go to buy a pair of jeans (which is all that us unemployed people really need to wear), I try them on, fit is good, price is good, they get bought then lo and behold I wear them that first day and discover that they have "decorative" pockets. What the bloody hell! Decorative pockets? Sequins are decorative (which I abhor), pockets are functional, as in I need them to stuff my crap into. It is either that or the pockets, while not sewn together, are so small that I could barely fit a marble in them, less alone a set of keys, some money (really very little of that), a cell phone, and an army guy or two. Again the presumption of the handbag. I can understand this really, but how does this fixation on the handbag carry over to pajamas? Are there seriously women toting around Gucci bags in their lounge wear? Do they sleep with the bag (guess that depends on what's in it -eh)? If I could sew I would just buy some cloth and affix some cargo pockets on my sleeping pants.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Where to go from here?

The plague has arrived. My oldest boy was sent home Friday with a fever, (it lasted the entire weekend), and today my four year-old spiked at 103.8. At this point I called the insurance sponsored Nursewise to request sound advice. As I am answering questions regarding his last urination, how well he ate lunch, and his energy level, I realized what a privilege it has been to be a stay-at-home mom. I was able to answer those questions like I wrote em myself. As James’s school career looms on the horizon, I have been forced to contemplate workforce reentry. How will I be able to translate a useless liberal arts degree and five years of parenting into viable career skills, and what sort of profession would be best suited to my experience and knowledge? Well, my friends, I have found the answer! Herewith you shall find my letter of introduction/resume to the United Nations Security Counsel.

Jennifer Wilson
Smalltown, IN. USA
BA, Purdue University

I am writing to express my interest in your position as a security advisor. I feel that my skills as a stay-at-home mom would be an asset to your organization. My interest in international affairs is paralleled only by my desire for world peace despite the belligerent nature of man. Listed below you will find my applicable qualifications for the placement in question.

During the last five years, I have routinely been called upon to settle the disputes of two opposing parties. I have impartially divided hot wheel cars, cookies, and computer sessions. These decisions were often made under extreme duress and resulted in the salvation of both parties’ stature and world view.

Supply Manager
Keeping in mind that many conflicts are a result of the gross economic disparity between the haves and have-nots, I feel it is imperative that I mention my experience as a product facilitator. I have been able to supply my household with its necessary goods through a combination of savvy coupon clipping and observation of sales trends.

Disarmament Specialist
I have routinely been called into disputes regarding potentially lethal weaponry. I have always managed to procure a resolution with a minimal amount of blood shed. It is a matter of personal pride that I have managed to persuade all antagonists to surrender their weapons with a minimal amount of sanctions.

Sanctions Monitor
Your organization is world-renown for its ability to detect a nation’s maturity, and thereby use that perceived maturity to issue permissions regarding funds and accessibility to technology. I too, am a firm believer in such restrictions. I have routinely defended my standpoint to decidedly hostile insurgents. I am adept at setting and maintaining boundaries for my charges, while insuring, through careful scrutiny and diligence, that said parties adhere to said restrictions. This includes, but is not limited to: street crossing privileges, internet browsing clearance, traveling permissions, and financial support.

I appreciation your consideration of my application, and I hope to hear from you at your earliest convenience.


Jennifer Wilson

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Cryogenics and Over-achievers

So, some day last week I was watching the early morning shows when my coffee-enriched brain took notice of a bizarre “news” feature. Apparently, a former Alcor employee has written some sordid expose on the vagrancies of cryogenic preservation. I tell you my interest was mightily piqued when he began to explain how they removed a bumble bee tuna can from a baseball legend’s head (tuna can was the uh..high-tech head stabilizer, they tend to wobble a bit without the whole neck/torso set-up to bolster them up). Some years back I worked for a trailer manufacturer. Whenever we encountered a discrepancy between blue print specs and actual dimensions, we took a giant orange rubber mallet, and beat whatever it was till it fit. Well, those dastardly technicians at Alcor (supposedly), taking a page from that book, took a wrench to poor man’s head in order to beat off (hee hee) a tuna can that was scientifically frozen to said head (hey they only missed once, and I’m sure future scientists can spackle out the divot). Of course the outrage!!! Whatever, the man was dead. This does beg the question a bit though. This Ted Williams fella elected to have the whole kit frozen (lord knows why they separated it), but there are others who chose only to have their heads “preserved”. Why just the head, an astute observer might ask. The answer is frighteningly simple: its CHEAPER. I guess if you are looking to save a buck… Okay, I will journey to fantasy land for a bit and presuppose that there will be some miracle of science in the year 3010 that will not only allow for the healing of whatever nastiness killed your ass in the first place, but will also manage to fix the untold damaged of being flushed with anti-freeze and frozen to -320 or however low. So then, its 3010, you awake to a bustling metropolis, ahhh…… but you are a head. With what shall you walk to Starbucks with??? I can only assume that this sordid business of finding a donor body will be outsourced. Can’t you just imagine: hundreds of elderly male WASPy heads wobbling about on the bodies of South East Asian preteens??

In other news, I recently attended my oldest son’s Egyptian project presentation. He is in an amalgamated “gifted class” with fourth and fifth graders (me thinks the fifth graders are getting the short end of the stick here, but hey who am I to judge, eh?). I thought we were running smooth with our painted, carved, fancy-schmancy hieroglyphics tablet, sphinx nose, home-crafted Egyptian garb, and poster board, but ohhh no, twas not the case. There was a boy who had on display a WORKING Egyptian loom. Now bear in mind he is a member of a devout religious sect that eschews nasty time suckers like t.v., music, and the internet, but still a loom?! We have parent-teacher conferences looming on the horizon and I am looking forward to bringing home the class pet over fall break. What’s one more pooping creature?